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(no subject) [Jan. 21st, 2009|05:39 pm]
i hatehatehate myself right now. i try, and i never ever seem to be able to succeed anymore. where did all my will power and determination go? i was just start to regularly lose weight. i had lost fifty pounds. and then for some reason i think i'm okay and i gain it back. and i know the only way i can stay focused is by posting and reading through these journals, but i can't seem to stick to doing that either. i don't know why. i love corresponding with you guys, and i know it helps me out. whatever. i just bought a weight loss journal. it's got spaces in it to write what you ate, the calories, carbs, etc. there's also a different weight loss tip for every day, and at the beginning theres a list of about two hundred different foods and their caloric worth. it's good, and it'll be easier for me to keep track that way, because it's always in my purse.

me && the boyfriend are doing well. my jobs are going well. school is going well. the only thing that's shitty is my weight. funny how it can't make everything else good seem insignificant.

hope you all are doing much, much better than me.


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keep on keepin' on [Oct. 17th, 2008|01:59 pm]
[music |Come Around- M.I.A.]

i woke up about an hour ago, and i've been reading through lj journals since. i'm such a dork, haha.

right now, i'm drinking cranberry pomegranate green tea, and wishing i had something other than real sugar to sweeten it with. also, i'm trying to ignore the pancakes my mom made for me before she left this morning. grrr I HATE FOOD!!!
i'm not sure what exactly my eating plan is going to be. i want to put it out on paper first, because it's easier for me to think that way. when i'm done i'll post it on here.
i am currently obsessed with M.I.A. I usually dislike rap music, not for the style of the music, but because most of it is meaningless crap. I love it when i find rap music with a versatile sound and worthwhile lyrics. yay!
stay strong ladies. i'll be back later today, for all of you (if there are any of you) who care. =P

<3 Kara

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somethings gotta give [Oct. 17th, 2008|01:57 am]
[music |Jimmy- M.I.A.]

i'm sick of being fat. that's about it. it's going to change. i don't know why i can't just not eat. i've done it before. i lost 80 pounds before. but even right now, when i'm feeling this low, i'm going back and forth between binging and purging and not eating at all. i don't know what my problem is. i know it's pointless. once again... i'm so fucked in the head.


<3 Kara

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something's gotta change, thing's cannot stay the same [Jun. 25th, 2008|05:34 am]
[mood |blankblank]
[music |Of Montreal]

so i've lost one pound. i just haven't been able to stick to this. everytime i start thinking, "okay, this really has gone too far. do you want to be disgusting?", i'll be able to control myself for a while. but it's like i go to sleep, and when i wake up all that determination is gone. i am always able to rationalize my binging to myself, and i have no idea why. i used to have amazing self control, and now i can't control shit. i hatehateHATE these feelings.

i'm going to go grocery shopping after this. part of my problem i think is that i have no healthy options at home. i put together a pretty thorough shopping list a few days ago, and i'm hoping it'll help curb some of my binging.

i love smoking weed. and that's another of my biggest downfalls. when i'm high i either get extreme munchies, or i'll get extremely determined to lose weight. it always shifts between the two all the time, and i hate that i never know whether i'll be ruining myself. i feel like i should cut back, seeing how it's an every day thing for me. it would also help me save some money, haha. but it's hard. i love it, what can i say. =/

also, my boyfriend told me today that he doesn't think i look bad. "You're only a little bit overweight," he said. he's so sweet. he knows how i much i dislike my body, and i know he said it in an attempt to make me feel better about myself. but he doesn't realize how much more hearing things like that makes me hate myself. ugh. i am so fucked in the head.
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(no subject) [May. 22nd, 2008|01:02 pm]
[music |Of Montreal- Chrissy Kiss the Corpse]

1: Do you have any big secrets? most definitely.
2: Do you think the last person you kissed is nice? yes, i would say so =)
3: Who was the last person to call you? treavor drew
4: What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had? just regular water.
5: Would you take any of your exes back? NO.
6: Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? not especially.
7: Did you sing at all today? yes. i sing every day =)
8: When is the last time you cried? yesterday.
9: Last text from? my little sister melanie.
10: Are you scared of spiders? YES!
11: Who were you with last night? joey, cole, ryan, demar, treavor, and drew.
12: What made you smile today? nothing, as of yet, at least.
13: What are you doing? filling out this survey.
15: Highlight of 2008 so far? my wonderful boyfriend Joey =)
16: Do you miss anyone? some of my family, yes.
17: Do you curse a lot? yes. i curse like a friggin sailor.
18: Who was the last person in your bed? umm me and joey...but that was a while ago. I currently do not have a bed.
19: Where is the person you have feelings for right now? at school. probably in jazz band.
20: Is there a high chance of you going to the movies soon? not likely. it never seems to happen, even when we make plans to do it.
21: What are the three sexiest things about guys? eyes, smile, and hands.
22: Is there someone you wanna date right now? yes. joey beer =)
23: Who knows everything about you? treavor, crystal and kim.
24: What's on your mind right now? whether or not i'm going to eat today.
25: Ever have a sleepover with the opposite sex? oh yes. quite a few, haha.
26: Olive Garden is? amazzzing.
28: Do you have trust issues? yes.
29: What does your second inbox text say? "So i was so glad to see you yesterday. I love you so much, Kara, and I can't wait to see you today either! I'm so excited :)"
31: Who is your number one? Joey
32: What are you looking forward to tomorrow? Working, i guess. That's about all i have planned.
33: Do you want someone you can't have? Nope.
36: When did you last talk to your brother or sister? Last night.
37: Do you ever wanna know who you're going to marry? Pretty sure it's gonna be Joey =)
39: Do you have any stickers on your car? What car?
40: Does anyone hate you because of things beyond your control? Not that I know of. But if they do, fuck em.

It All Comes Back Around... [May. 14th, 2008|08:14 am]
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]
[music |Jack Johnson- If I Had Eyes]

     I shouldn't be feeling somewhat happy about this stuff happening to him. I dated him, and he fucked me over. Big time. ((twice)). But for some reason (largely masochism, i'm supposing) i've kept tabs on him through myspace. I've looked and read on as this undeserving dickhead fucker's life fell happily in to place. Good job, new apartment, new car, pregnant fiancee. I left it alone for a few months. But i had an urge to check this morning, and so returned to my internet stalker ways. And i'm so glad i did. Turns out, it all fell apart. And i know i shouldn't be as happy as i am. But it's made my morning so much better. Karma, bitches. =)

<3 Kara
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(no subject) [May. 12th, 2008|06:24 am]
[music |Radiohead- My Iron Lung]

     So i've recently moved back home, and that means I have daily access to a computer, which is very very nice. It's been a rough transition, though. My dog is freaking out, she's not used to living at my mom's house. It seems like everyone's just a little on edge, but hopefully the atmosphere relaxes soon. My moving back in hasn't been easy on anyone, least of all myself, but i think we're all adjusting.
     I'm going on a trip to minnesota with my family at this end of this week, for one of my cousin's weddings. I'm kind of excited, but i'm gonna miss joey a lot a lot. I haven't gone without seeing him that long since we started dating, so it's definitely gonna suck. The part about no sex for a week is sucky, too. And no smoking.... shit. I don't know how i'm gonna survive.
     From today on, i'm starting back on my old eating plan. I've gotten far too comfortable with the fact that i've gained back so much weight, and i'm sick of it. Sick of trying to squeeze myself in to clothes that up until a few months ago either fit me perfectly or were a little bit loose. I'm sick of all the self-conscious feelings that have started to creep up on me again, sick of being scared to step on the scale. I've got to get back to where i was, no doubt about it. I've done it before, and i know i can sure as hell do it again. I can't allow myself to live this way anymore, and hopefully being able to use lj on a regular basis again is going to help. Hopefully.

<3 Kara

(no subject) [Feb. 21st, 2008|11:54 pm]
    I'm back! Not that there's too many people who read this, but it feels nice to be updating anyway. After five months. Jeez, i suck at this game. But i no longer have daily access to a computer (actually, not even weekly access to a computer), so that's why my updates have been even fewer and far between than they normally are.
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(no subject) [Oct. 4th, 2007|03:13 pm]
[music |savage garden...lol]

      i'm semi-proud of myself today. for the past two or three weeks, every morning when i woke up the first thing i did was b/p. and then i would do it again two or three more times throughout the day, and then it was usually the last thing i did before i went to sleep. it's been terrible, to say the least. but today, i've kept my self from binging. i've had some raisins and some cottage cheese so far. i know i shouldn't really say i'm proud of myself yet, because the day isn't over. i mean, i do still have to go to work, which always proves to be the hardest place to not binge. honestly, i get so bored that i just end up eating. it's really, really, bad. and it's compounded by the fact that i work in a COOKIE SHOP, and am surrounded by baked goods every day. gaaah. i hope i can stick through it.
     so i like this guy, but i'm pretty sure i shouldn't like him. actually, to confuse this situation, he's the definitely the type of guy i should like,  just not the age of a guy i should like. yeah, he's two years younger than me. well, not quite a full two years, but still. up until recently, i'd always thought i would never ever be attracted to anyone younger than me. i've been friends with him for a while, but recently we kissed and...did other things, haha. and i don't know what it is about him, but i can't help it. he's such a genuine person, and we have so much in common. and you know what the stupid thing is? the reason why i feel like i shouldn't like him is because people will think it's weird that a 19 year old girl likes a guy who is 17. even if he is nearly 18. but if he were the one who was 19, and i was 17, it would be considered pretty much normal. so i say fuck double standards, for making me feel like a child molester. lol. 
     anyways, that's about all that's going on. omggg flaming lips was AMAZING!!! in all actuality, amazing doesn't even begin to describe it, because i honestly can't even think of words that would do that concert justice. amazing just seems like the closest approximation, haha. but yeah, it blew my mind. i really will probably never see anything that amazing ever again in my life. AND, to top it off, we got to meet Wayne Coyne after the concert and we just stood in the parking lot and talked to him for like half an hour. :-O definitely one of the best nights of my life=) stay strong, ladies!

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(no subject) [Sep. 28th, 2007|04:07 pm]

      Like I've said before, my updates are few and far between because I feel that I have nothing to write about. Truth is, most times I do have a lot I would like to write about, but don't know how to say it, and therefore don't. I'm going to try to be better about that, haha.
      I'm not sure whether I've lost, gained or maintained my weight, because I'm not allowing myself to step on the scale until saturday. Knowing this has actually helped me keep on track a lot, because I don't want to be disappointed when I finally do get on the stupid thing. 
     This past wednesday was my birthday! Yaay! I turned 19, the birthday where nothing changes=) I had a really good day though. I got to sleep in, for one. Then Ashley and I went to sign the lease on our apartment!! Gaaah I'm so excited about it, we move in a week from Saturday! After that, Treavor, Kim, and I met up with Crystal, and we went to Bandido's and ate super yummy mexican food, and afterwards we saw Good Luck Chuck. It was a decent movie, but I would rather have waited to see it until after it came out on dvd. Oh well! The only bad part about my day was I ended up purging twice. I kept trying to convince myself that since it was my birthday, it was okay to indulge a little, but my fucked up mind was having none of that. Oh well, all in all it was a good day.
     I'm somewhat worried about moving in to the apartment with Ashley and her boyfriend though. He's really scary looking, haha. I've only met him once, but she says he's really nice.... so we'll see. I doubt they'll be together for too long anyway, so I shouldn't have much to worry about. Kim might move in with us too... i'm seriously having seconds thoughts about that, though. She is one of my best friends, but I can only handle her in small doses... sharing a room with her may drive me insane within a week. Lol...
    Oh! The Flaming Lips concert is THIS SUNDAY! Yaaay! It's in Cleveland, which is completely awesome by itself. I love that city! And I'm all around just super excited. Blender magazine named them one of the top 50 bands everyone should see before they die, and I'm ready to rock my friggin face off. lol. I hope everyone is doing well! Stay strong =)

<33 Kara

(no subject) [Sep. 19th, 2007|02:29 am]
[music |Our Lady Peace- The Story of 100 Aisles]

     as much as i'd like to say i did well today, i can't. it's like the end of the first week of me being back to restricting and whatnot, and already i'm fucking it up. know how many times i binged and purged today? four. once this morning, after eating three quarters of a homemade pizza i made when kim and i woke up this morning. again at work, after eating tons of cheetos, doritos, chex mix, and of course, me working at a cookie shop, a bunch of cookies.  then, ashley and crystal picked me up from work. we got high at ashley's house, they took me home, and i proceeded to binge yet again. half a loaf of homemade bread, half of a big bag of raisinets, half of a taco salad from bandidos, a peanut butter sandwich, and a bowl of cereal. and then, once again, after eating the rest of the bread and the rest of the raisinets. 
     i'm such a fuck up. the thing is though, i tell myself not to eat. and i can keep myself from eating, for a long time. but then i'll rationalize it, thinking, "oh, if i just throw it up right after, it's okay." but it's not okay. and i need to make myself understand that, because i don't want to keep up with this binge/purge cycle day after day. i mean seriously, binging and purging at work? sadly enough, i can't even say that was my first time doing it. if i get fired, i'd have no reason to complain. i work at a cookie shop, and at nights i'm there by myself. but i find it more important to purge than to do my job, so i leave the counter unattended to run to the bathroom for at least five minutes. i seem so desperate right now, and i hate it. =( 
     i seriously doubt i'm going to class tomorrow. it's just art, so it's not too big of a deal. i hope i can stay on track.  i hope i can force myself to exercise way more than i have been. and i hope you all are doing better than i am. stay strong, ladies.


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what you need is someone strong to guide you... [Sep. 17th, 2007|03:52 pm]
[music |Tool- Prison Sex]

Age: 18
H: 5'9
HW: 238
CW: 194
LW: 175
STGW: 175
LTGW: 140

yeah. i hate owning up to those stats. i can't believe i've let myself gain back nearly twenty pounds in the last two months. i was doing so well, too. *sigh* but i suppose i can't do anything about those two months. i can only change what happens in the future, and that's exactly what i plan on doing.

today has been a rather lazy day, but i'm allowing it because i never get a chance to just do nothing. i got to sleep in, then wake up and lay in bed reading a book. the only thing i have to worry about today is my 6:30 psychology class, which i love, then hanging out with a couple friends afterwards. all i've had to eat today is a cup of yogurt and half an apple. it would have been a whole apple, but i bit into it again and the bite i took was completely rotten. so, i spit it out, and needless to say didn't finish the rest, haha. i'm not sure what i'm going to eat for the rest of the day, so i may make another post later tonight.

and i leave you with a bit of my lackluster writing skills. just something i wrote in my journal that i thought was semi-decent. stay strong, ladies. <3

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(no subject) [Sep. 16th, 2007|10:15 pm]
[music |Bright Eyes- Take It Easy (Love Nothing)]

i hate the fact that i'm so horrible about keeping this journal. i mean, i want to write in it. it's just that i never think i have anything good to write about, and i'm pretty sure no one reads it. but, i really am going to keep this thing on a regular basis. it's much easier for me than keeping a written journal, and during the times i've used it it's helped me. so, here we go.

for the past couple months, i've been making an attempt at getting "better". whatever that is. in any case, while i thought i was ready to be better about my eating habits and whatnot, i was not prepared for the unavoidable side effect that is gaining weight. upwards of ten pounds, and i'm not very happy about it. and so, i've begun purging again. and i've been trying to restrict again. i know i shouldn't, and i know it's not healthy. but i'm not going to lie, i'm starting to feel much better than i have in months. i feel like i actually have some element of control of my body again, and it feels good. everything else in my life right now is very hectic. i am going to school full time and working full time. making this situation even more difficult is the fact that i don't have a car, so my rides to and from work/school are never certain. making time for my friends and stuff is hard, but i'm managing, haha. i still party a lot, but not nearly as much as i used to. but it's still fun for me, so i figure i might as well get it out of my system while i'm young=)

i'm in kind of a situation right now. it's not necessarily unfortunate, but things could turn out that way if they aren't handled correctly, which would be really sad. friday night, i was at a party with a bunch of my friends, and we got drunk. more like druuuuunk. me and two other girls finished a bottle of Cuervo by ourselves, and then i had four beers. by the end of the night, i ended up hooking up with my friend joey. like...completely hooking up, in every sense of the term. and now, i'm not sure how to go about things. i'd hate to think we ruined our friendship by doing that, because as bad as it sounds, it really was nothing more than a drunken hook up to me. but it's him i'm worried about. he's really sensitive when it comes to girls, and meaningless one night flings aren't really what he's all about. i'm nervous that he's going to take it as more than it really was. also.... he's younger than me. before that night, i'd never even kissed someone who was younger than me, so it's definitely just weird. JASKBDSDVVFBEWILCVSUIVGRRR!! hanging out with mostly only guys definitely has a downside. i don't have any girl friends i can really talk to this about, so that makes it more difficult. sorry about that, i just had to rant a bit.

and lastly, i'm adding a picture, because it's been forever since i've posted one, and because it's a rare occasion where i actually like a picture of myself.

i'm the girl to the left, to the left. =) except for i don't have a monroe anymore. i had to take it out for work. shitty! 

bye, loves.  && sorry about the long post. they won't all be like this, i promise:-P

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(no subject) [May. 30th, 2007|08:17 am]
[music |Matthew Good Band]

i had a weird, but also strangely nice night last night. i couldn't sleep, so i was out on the front porch, reading a book and smoking a cigarette. it was like 3:30 am, and while i'm sitting there, my mom comes running on to the porch. apparently, she had been at our neighbor's house talking, and didn't realize how late/early it was. she thought it was still around midnight, haha. anyways, she sat out there with me and talked to me for like 45 minutes. i talked to my mom about the boy, and what happened last weekend. and.... i talked to my mom about my sex life. i have never, i repeat never, talked to my mom about sex. i figured it would be awkward or uncomfortable, but really it wasn't. i love my mommy, haha.

so then later on this morning, it got bad. i was STILL bored at about quarter til six, so i thought i would make breakfast for my family, and my best friend, because she stayed the night last night. i made pancakes, biscuits and gravy, bacon, fried potatoes, and scrambled eggs. while i was cooking it, i didn't really have any desire to eat it (see, i'm kinda weird like that. i love cooking, but not neccessarily eating what i cook. i love letting other people eat it, and then having them tell me whether or not it's good. but that's nothing new with me. i've always cooked primarily for the enjoyment of other people, even before my ED. oddly enough, i'm going to culinary school, haha. we'll see how that works out ). I took my mom to work this morning so i could use the car during the day, and the whole time i'm gone, i have absolutely no desire to eat anything i had made. but when i got home, i just completely lost it. i ate everything. literally, some of all of it. 

jesus, it was so much food. i ate it all, then drank two cups of water before i had to take my sister to school. because of course, i fully planned on purging when i got home. which i did, and got everything up, thankfully. i thought of something funny while i was actually doing it though (again, kind of weird, haha). when i dropped my sister off, i saw two of my friends that still go (i'm one of few who graduated early, all the other seniors still have three days). i looked like complete ass, but one of them was like, "seriously kara, if i could look that cute right after i woke up, i would just roll out of bed and go straight to school!" and what i thought of was, those girls had absolutely no idea that i was going straight home to throw my guts up. sorry for being gross with that, but it's true. i just found it kind of funny that while they were talking to me, all i could think about was getting home to get the food out of my stomach. maybe it's not so much funny as it is sad. 

ugh, sorry for the long post. stay strong, ladies:-D



(no subject) [May. 30th, 2007|12:46 am]
[music |red hot chili peppers]

     so, unfortunately these past couple days have been less than great. 

     to start with, i went to a party on saturday night. i went with my two best friends, and the guy i'm kind of seeing showed up later that night too, so for a while everything was fine. we were all drinking && smoking, and just pretty much having a good time. the boy and i were flirting like normal.... and all was well. so then later i went outside with one of my friends to have a cigarette, and there are two other girls outside from another apartment. they were 15 and 17, so a few years younger than us, but they still seemed cool. they ended up following us back in to the apartment that we were partying in (uninvited, i might add), and we actually all started having a pretty good time. then ppl started passing out, my two best friends included, so the only ppl still up were me, the boy, the two girls from the other apt, and some boy they were with. we were all kind of just chilling....then the boy (keep in mind, he's 20) and the 15 year old girl go outside by themselves together. i figured they were just going to talk or something, but i went outside to talk to the boy, and found them making out. i guess i don't have much to be mad about...we weren't officially together or anything, it just hurt being one-upped by a 15 year old girl yet again. i understand it once. but twice in a row? i'm beginning to think something is wrong with me....

     so of course, i ate my feelings. i haven't been too bad, considering my track record. i have gone back up to 188.5, though, which kind of pisses me off. oh well. i'm back on track, and i'm sticking to it. i just wish i knew what was going on with "us". i still want us to be able to be friends, because i love hanging out with him. we've pretty much just been friends with benefits, anyway. *sigh* i'm so confused. and i hate boys right now. hope you're all doing better than me. stay strong, beautiful girls =)
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(no subject) [May. 25th, 2007|12:35 am]
sooo...i realize i just posted, but i can't sleep now. i haven't posted pics in a while...so i figured i would. i dunno...really i'm just wondering if any of you can tell if i've lost weight in my face? i kinda think i have, but i'm wondering if it's just me. so....input would be greatly appreciated, haha.

The beginning of april...

Aaand last saturday...

yes? no? any kind of feedback would be wonderful, haha. i just wanna know whether or not it's just me:-/


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(no subject) [May. 24th, 2007|10:12 pm]
[music |Ben Lee]

today, i ate:

10 grapes- 34 cals
8 mini rice cakes- 60 cals
1 cup broccoli w/ 10 sprays ICBINB Spray- 38 cals
1 1/2 cups broccoli w/ 15 sprays ICBINB Spray- 57 cals
189 cals

i may possibly have a cup of fat free hot chocolate later (25 cals), i'm not sureee. I suppose it wouldn't really affect me that much. I also played frisbee for about a half hour, then volleyball for another half hour, and then jogged for twenty minutes. So overall, a decent day. I could have worked out more though. I intend on doing 150 crunches and 100 leg lifts on each side before bed though. I'll try to update tomorrow. Stay strong, lovelies:-D


maybe? [Apr. 4th, 2007|01:17 am]

so i'm wondering...does anyone here want to maybe be "texting buddies" with me? haha i know that sounds totally gay, but i really think it could help keep me on track. and i finally got unlimited texting on my phone (to anywhere in north america)....so if anyone is interested, let me know:-D stay strong, girls.


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(no subject) [Mar. 9th, 2007|09:21 am]
[music |Fall Out Boy]

so i'm sitting here eating low-fat cottage cheese and pineapple, and it's making me happy, because i'm thinking about how i totally avoided binging at about 4:00 this morning. as pathetic as it sounds...thankGod for _realthin, haha.

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(no subject) [Mar. 6th, 2007|10:32 pm]
[mood |determineddetermined]
[music |Jack Johnson]

      so i've been eating terribly, and it's all because of a boy. hopefully, though, i'll be able to stop. today i pretty much realized that i'm sabotaging all my hard work, and if i keep up this way, in the end i'm just going to end up far more depressed than i ever was in the first place. so tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully i'll be able to stick with my plan.
     i'm an early grad, and my last day EVER of high school was last friday. super super exciting. but also, since we have three months until the actual ceremony, my friend lauren and i decided to use those next three months to lose as much weight as we both can. she's already tiiiny, but i understand where she's coming from, not feeling like she's small enough. so, we've decided that we're going to go jogging together for an hour on tuesdays and thursdays, and work out at the gym together for an hour on mondays, wednesdays and fridays. i'm also going to be doing the biggest loser workout dvd every evening, plus crunches && leg lifts every night before bed. i've also started going tanning again (finally), && i'm getting my hair straightened on friday....so hopefully, i'll look somewhat better by the time graduation rolls around, haha. sorry if this post is pointless/boring...i'm just excited:-D stay strong, ladies.

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