as much as i'd like to say i did well today, i can't. it's like the end of the first week of me being back to restricting and whatnot, and already i'm fucking it up. know how many times i binged and purged today? four. once this morning, after eating three quarters of a homemade pizza i made when kim and i woke up this morning. again at work, after eating tons of cheetos, doritos, chex mix, and of course, me working at a cookie shop, a bunch of cookies.  then, ashley and crystal picked me up from work. we got high at ashley's house, they took me home, and i proceeded to binge yet again. half a loaf of homemade bread, half of a big bag of raisinets, half of a taco salad from bandidos, a peanut butter sandwich, and a bowl of cereal. and then, once again, after eating the rest of the bread and the rest of the raisinets. 
     i'm such a fuck up. the thing is though, i tell myself not to eat. and i can keep myself from eating, for a long time. but then i'll rationalize it, thinking, "oh, if i just throw it up right after, it's okay." but it's not okay. and i need to make myself understand that, because i don't want to keep up with this binge/purge cycle day after day. i mean seriously, binging and purging at work? sadly enough, i can't even say that was my first time doing it. if i get fired, i'd have no reason to complain. i work at a cookie shop, and at nights i'm there by myself. but i find it more important to purge than to do my job, so i leave the counter unattended to run to the bathroom for at least five minutes. i seem so desperate right now, and i hate it. =( 
     i seriously doubt i'm going to class tomorrow. it's just art, so it's not too big of a deal. i hope i can stay on track.  i hope i can force myself to exercise way more than i have been. and i hope you all are doing better than i am. stay strong, ladies.

<33Kara

i had a weird, but also strangely nice night last night. i couldn't sleep, so i was out on the front porch, reading a book and smoking a cigarette. it was like 3:30 am, and while i'm sitting there, my mom comes running on to the porch. apparently, she had been at our neighbor's house talking, and didn't realize how late/early it was. she thought it was still around midnight, haha. anyways, she sat out there with me and talked to me for like 45 minutes. i talked to my mom about the boy, and what happened last weekend. and.... i talked to my mom about my sex life. i have never, i repeat never, talked to my mom about sex. i figured it would be awkward or uncomfortable, but really it wasn't. i love my mommy, haha.

so then later on this morning, it got bad. i was STILL bored at about quarter til six, so i thought i would make breakfast for my family, and my best friend, because she stayed the night last night. i made pancakes, biscuits and gravy, bacon, fried potatoes, and scrambled eggs. while i was cooking it, i didn't really have any desire to eat it (see, i'm kinda weird like that. i love cooking, but not neccessarily eating what i cook. i love letting other people eat it, and then having them tell me whether or not it's good. but that's nothing new with me. i've always cooked primarily for the enjoyment of other people, even before my ED. oddly enough, i'm going to culinary school, haha. we'll see how that works out ). I took my mom to work this morning so i could use the car during the day, and the whole time i'm gone, i have absolutely no desire to eat anything i had made. but when i got home, i just completely lost it. i ate everything. literally, some of all of it. 

jesus, it was so much food. i ate it all, then drank two cups of water before i had to take my sister to school. because of course, i fully planned on purging when i got home. which i did, and got everything up, thankfully. i thought of something funny while i was actually doing it though (again, kind of weird, haha). when i dropped my sister off, i saw two of my friends that still go (i'm one of few who graduated early, all the other seniors still have three days). i looked like complete ass, but one of them was like, "seriously kara, if i could look that cute right after i woke up, i would just roll out of bed and go straight to school!" and what i thought of was, those girls had absolutely no idea that i was going straight home to throw my guts up. sorry for being gross with that, but it's true. i just found it kind of funny that while they were talking to me, all i could think about was getting home to get the food out of my stomach. maybe it's not so much funny as it is sad. 

ugh, sorry for the long post. stay strong, ladies:-D

<33Kara

so i'm wondering...does anyone here want to maybe be "texting buddies" with me? haha i know that sounds totally gay, but i really think it could help keep me on track. and i finally got unlimited texting on my phone (to anywhere in north america)....so if anyone is interested, let me know:-D stay strong, girls.

<33
Kara