the only difference between "eat" and "fat"...

2pounds2much @ 2009-01-21T17:39:00

2009-01-21T22:43:26Z

i hatehatehate myself right now. i try, and i never ever seem to be able to succeed anymore. where did all my will power and determination go? i was just start to regularly lose weight. i had lost fifty pounds. and then for some reason i think i'm okay and i gain it back. and i know the only way i can stay focused is by posting and reading through these journals, but i can't seem to stick to doing that either. i don't know why. i love corresponding with you guys, and i know it helps me out. whatever. i just bought a weight loss journal. it's got spaces in it to write what you ate, the calories, carbs, etc. there's also a different weight loss tip for every day, and at the beginning theres a list of about two hundred different foods and their caloric worth. it's good, and it'll be easier for me to keep track that way, because it's always in my purse.

me && the boyfriend are doing well. my jobs are going well. school is going well. the only thing that's shitty is my weight. funny how it can't make everything else good seem insignificant.

hope you all are doing much, much better than me.

<3Kara

keep on keepin' on

2008-10-17T18:04:43Z

i woke up about an hour ago, and i've been reading through lj journals since. i'm such a dork, haha.

right now, i'm drinking cranberry pomegranate green tea, and wishing i had something other than real sugar to sweeten it with. also, i'm trying to ignore the pancakes my mom made for me before she left this morning. grrr I HATE FOOD!!!
i'm not sure what exactly my eating plan is going to be. i want to put it out on paper first, because it's easier for me to think that way. when i'm done i'll post it on here.
i am currently obsessed with M.I.A. I usually dislike rap music, not for the style of the music, but because most of it is meaningless crap. I love it when i find rap music with a versatile sound and worthwhile lyrics. yay!
stay strong ladies. i'll be back later today, for all of you (if there are any of you) who care. =P

<3 Kara

somethings gotta give

2008-10-17T06:01:38Z

i'm sick of being fat. that's about it. it's going to change. i don't know why i can't just not eat. i've done it before. i lost 80 pounds before. but even right now, when i'm feeling this low, i'm going back and forth between binging and purging and not eating at all. i don't know what my problem is. i know it's pointless. once again... i'm so fucked in the head.

i'mnotgoingtoeati'mnotgoingtoeati'mnotgoingtoeat.

<3 Kara

something's gotta change, thing's cannot stay the same

2008-06-25T09:46:45Z

so i've lost one pound. i just haven't been able to stick to this. everytime i start thinking, "okay, this really has gone too far. do you want to be disgusting?", i'll be able to control myself for a while. but it's like i go to sleep, and when i wake up all that determination is gone. i am always able to rationalize my binging to myself, and i have no idea why. i used to have amazing self control, and now i can't control shit. i hatehateHATE these feelings.

i'm going to go grocery shopping after this. part of my problem i think is that i have no healthy options at home. i put together a pretty thorough shopping list a few days ago, and i'm hoping it'll help curb some of my binging.

i love smoking weed. and that's another of my biggest downfalls. when i'm high i either get extreme munchies, or i'll get extremely determined to lose weight. it always shifts between the two all the time, and i hate that i never know whether i'll be ruining myself. i feel like i should cut back, seeing how it's an every day thing for me. it would also help me save some money, haha. but it's hard. i love it, what can i say. =/

also, my boyfriend told me today that he doesn't think i look bad. "You're only a little bit overweight," he said. he's so sweet. he knows how i much i dislike my body, and i know he said it in an attempt to make me feel better about myself. but he doesn't realize how much more hearing things like that makes me hate myself. ugh. i am so fucked in the head.

2pounds2much @ 2008-05-22T13:02:00

2008-05-22T17:13:05Z

1: Do you have any big secrets? most definitely.
2: Do you think the last person you kissed is nice? yes, i would say so =)
3: Who was the last person to call you? treavor drew
4: What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had? just regular water.
5: Would you take any of your exes back? NO.
6: Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? not especially.
7: Did you sing at all today? yes. i sing every day =)
8: When is the last time you cried? yesterday.
9: Last text from? my little sister melanie.
10: Are you scared of spiders? YES!
11: Who were you with last night? joey, cole, ryan, demar, treavor, and drew.
12: What made you smile today? nothing, as of yet, at least.
13: What are you doing? filling out this survey.
15: Highlight of 2008 so far? my wonderful boyfriend Joey =)
16: Do you miss anyone? some of my family, yes.
17: Do you curse a lot? yes. i curse like a friggin sailor.
18: Who was the last person in your bed? umm me and joey...but that was a while ago. I currently do not have a bed.
19: Where is the person you have feelings for right now? at school. probably in jazz band.
20: Is there a high chance of you going to the movies soon? not likely. it never seems to happen, even when we make plans to do it.
21: What are the three sexiest things about guys? eyes, smile, and hands.
22: Is there someone you wanna date right now? yes. joey beer =)
23: Who knows everything about you? treavor, crystal and kim.
24: What's on your mind right now? whether or not i'm going to eat today.
25: Ever have a sleepover with the opposite sex? oh yes. quite a few, haha.
26: Olive Garden is? amazzzing.
28: Do you have trust issues? yes.
29: What does your second inbox text say? "So i was so glad to see you yesterday. I love you so much, Kara, and I can't wait to see you today either! I'm so excited :)"
31: Who is your number one? Joey
32: What are you looking forward to tomorrow? Working, i guess. That's about all i have planned.
33: Do you want someone you can't have? Nope.
36: When did you last talk to your brother or sister? Last night.
37: Do you ever wanna know who you're going to marry? Pretty sure it's gonna be Joey =)
39: Do you have any stickers on your car? What car?
40: Does anyone hate you because of things beyond your control? Not that I know of. But if they do, fuck em.

It All Comes Back Around...

2008-05-14T12:20:02Z

I shouldn't be feeling somewhat happy about this stuff happening to him. I dated him, and he fucked me over. Big time. ((twice)). But for some reason (largely masochism, i'm supposing) i've kept tabs on him through myspace. I've looked and read on as this undeserving dickhead fucker's life fell happily in to place. Good job, new apartment, new car, pregnant fiancee. I left it alone for a few months. But i had an urge to check this morning, and so returned to my internet stalker ways. And i'm so glad i did. Turns out, it all fell apart. And i know i shouldn't be as happy as i am. But it's made my morning so much better. Karma, bitches. =)

<3 Kara

2pounds2much @ 2008-05-12T06:24:00

2008-05-12T10:30:23Z

     So i've recently moved back home, and that means I have daily access to a computer, which is very very nice. It's been a rough transition, though. My dog is freaking out, she's not used to living at my mom's house. It seems like everyone's just a little on edge, but hopefully the atmosphere relaxes soon. My moving back in hasn't been easy on anyone, least of all myself, but i think we're all adjusting.
     I'm going on a trip to minnesota with my family at this end of this week, for one of my cousin's weddings. I'm kind of excited, but i'm gonna miss joey a lot a lot. I haven't gone without seeing him that long since we started dating, so it's definitely gonna suck. The part about no sex for a week is sucky, too. And no smoking.... shit. I don't know how i'm gonna survive.
     From today on, i'm starting back on my old eating plan. I've gotten far too comfortable with the fact that i've gained back so much weight, and i'm sick of it. Sick of trying to squeeze myself in to clothes that up until a few months ago either fit me perfectly or were a little bit loose. I'm sick of all the self-conscious feelings that have started to creep up on me again, sick of being scared to step on the scale. I've got to get back to where i was, no doubt about it. I've done it before, and i know i can sure as hell do it again. I can't allow myself to live this way anymore, and hopefully being able to use lj on a regular basis again is going to help. Hopefully.

<3 Kara

2pounds2much @ 2008-02-21T23:54:00

2008-02-22T05:13:51Z

I'm back! Not that there's too many people who read this, but it feels nice to be updating anyway. After five months. Jeez, i suck at this game. But i no longer have daily access to a computer (actually, not even weekly access to a computer), so that's why my updates have been even fewer and far between than they normally are.

To start things off, I moved out of my mom's house about five months ago. Things were just not good at home, and i needed to get out and try things on my own. There are definite pros and cons to this situation. I love the freedom of having my own place, and being able to do whatever i want, whenever i want. Not having to scope out a place to get high or have sex is nice, haha. But paying bills sucks, especially since i never have any extra money. I'm mostly happy with it though. However, there is one major drawback to this situation. My room mate is a girl i've been friends with since first grade, and we decided to get an apartment together. We didn't talk or hang out a whole lot during high school, but i still considered her one of my best friends (i guess just due to the amount of time i'd known her). I figured she'd be a good room mate, she has a good job and i thought i knew her pretty well. But you all know the saying about how you never really know a person until you live with them? As it turns out, i've never found anything to be truer. She an absolute slob. She never cleans up after herself, never does anything more than what's absolutely necessary, and she doesn't think before she does anything. To top it all off, her 16 year old boyfriend is living there as well. Keep in mind, she's twenty. This kid is a six foot tall, half-samoan beast of a teenager with shoulder length ratty nasty hair and a missing front tooth. He has no job, she supports his smoking habits and fills every other need he may have. What's his daily schedule like? I'll tell you. He sits in their bedroom until his twelve year old best friend/neighbor gets off of school, hangs out with him until Ashley gets home from work, they have earth shakingly loud sex 5-7 times, they eat dinner and go to sleep. WHAT A LIFE!!! Ugh. Even talking about him is making me sick.
I'm dating a guy named Joey, who is absolutely amazing. It'll be six months March 14. I know it's not a particularly long time, but i am head over heels in love with him. He's hands down the sweetest, most genuine, caring person i've ever met. It also doesn't hurt that he's hot and great in bed, haha. He makes me so happy... or as happy as i can be.
Which bring me to here and now. I'm sure you've all experienced (or know someone who has experienced) the weight gain that can come when you realize you're boyfriend or significant other or whatever accepts you just as you are. In my case, I've gained back thirty pounds. Thirty fucking pounds. And you know what the crazy thing is? It honestly didn't bother me for a while. I was just so happy with Joey and how everything was going that I didn't think that it mattered. But it still does matter. A great deal, in fact. I really let myself go, and I'm disgusted with it. I've been binging and purging upwards of three and four times a day lately, and i do it when i'm at work, too. I know it's got to stop, but i just can't seem to get the control that I used to have. I used to do so well, and I don't know where it all went. But what matters is i'm trying, i suppose. I've done it twice before, there's no reason i can't do it a third time. This time, though, I want the results to last. I'm sick of being elated when my weight is low, only to get too comfortable with it and let myself go again. I can't let that happen this time. I'm going to lose this weight again, and I'm going to keep it off. I know i'll need help, but I also know I can do it. I hope you all are doing amazing =)

<3Kara

2pounds2much @ 2007-10-04T15:13:00

2007-10-04T19:23:49Z

      i'm semi-proud of myself today. for the past two or three weeks, every morning when i woke up the first thing i did was b/p. and then i would do it again two or three more times throughout the day, and then it was usually the last thing i did before i went to sleep. it's been terrible, to say the least. but today, i've kept my self from binging. i've had some raisins and some cottage cheese so far. i know i shouldn't really say i'm proud of myself yet, because the day isn't over. i mean, i do still have to go to work, which always proves to be the hardest place to not binge. honestly, i get so bored that i just end up eating. it's really, really, bad. and it's compounded by the fact that i work in a COOKIE SHOP, and am surrounded by baked goods every day. gaaah. i hope i can stick through it.
     so i like this guy, but i'm pretty sure i shouldn't like him. actually, to confuse this situation, he's the definitely the type of guy i should like, just not the age of a guy i should like. yeah, he's two years younger than me. well, not quite a full two years, but still. up until recently, i'd always thought i would never ever be attracted to anyone younger than me. i've been friends with him for a while, but recently we kissed and...did other things, haha. and i don't know what it is about him, but i can't help it. he's such a genuine person, and we have so much in common. and you know what the stupid thing is? the reason why i feel like i shouldn't like him is because people will think it's weird that a 19 year old girl likes a guy who is 17. even if he is nearly 18. but if he were the one who was 19, and i was 17, it would be considered pretty much normal. so i say fuck double standards, for making me feel like a child molester. lol.
     anyways, that's about all that's going on. omggg flaming lips was AMAZING!!! in all actuality, amazing doesn't even begin to describe it, because i honestly can't even think of words that would do that concert justice. amazing just seems like the closest approximation, haha. but yeah, it blew my mind. i really will probably never see anything that amazing ever again in my life. AND, to top it off, we got to meet Wayne Coyne after the concert and we just stood in the parking lot and talked to him for like half an hour. :-O definitely one of the best nights of my life=) stay strong, ladies!

<33
Kara

2pounds2much @ 2007-09-28T16:07:00

2007-09-28T20:17:34Z

      Like I've said before, my updates are few and far between because I feel that I have nothing to write about. Truth is, most times I do have a lot I would like to write about, but don't know how to say it, and therefore don't. I'm going to try to be better about that, haha.
      I'm not sure whether I've lost, gained or maintained my weight, because I'm not allowing myself to step on the scale until saturday. Knowing this has actually helped me keep on track a lot, because I don't want to be disappointed when I finally do get on the stupid thing.
     This past wednesday was my birthday! Yaay! I turned 19, the birthday where nothing changes=) I had a really good day though. I got to sleep in, for one. Then Ashley and I went to sign the lease on our apartment!! Gaaah I'm so excited about it, we move in a week from Saturday! After that, Treavor, Kim, and I met up with Crystal, and we went to Bandido's and ate super yummy mexican food, and afterwards we saw Good Luck Chuck. It was a decent movie, but I would rather have waited to see it until after it came out on dvd. Oh well! The only bad part about my day was I ended up purging twice. I kept trying to convince myself that since it was my birthday, it was okay to indulge a little, but my fucked up mind was having none of that. Oh well, all in all it was a good day.
     I'm somewhat worried about moving in to the apartment with Ashley and her boyfriend though. He's really scary looking, haha. I've only met him once, but she says he's really nice.... so we'll see. I doubt they'll be together for too long anyway, so I shouldn't have much to worry about. Kim might move in with us too... i'm seriously having seconds thoughts about that, though. She is one of my best friends, but I can only handle her in small doses... sharing a room with her may drive me insane within a week. Lol...
    Oh! The Flaming Lips concert is THIS SUNDAY! Yaaay! It's in Cleveland, which is completely awesome by itself. I love that city! And I'm all around just super excited. Blender magazine named them one of the top 50 bands everyone should see before they die, and I'm ready to rock my friggin face off. lol. I hope everyone is doing well! Stay strong =)

<33 Kara

2pounds2much @ 2007-09-19T02:29:00

2007-09-19T06:45:37Z

     as much as i'd like to say i did well today, i can't. it's like the end of the first week of me being back to restricting and whatnot, and already i'm fucking it up. know how many times i binged and purged today? four. once this morning, after eating three quarters of a homemade pizza i made when kim and i woke up this morning. again at work, after eating tons of cheetos, doritos, chex mix, and of course, me working at a cookie shop, a bunch of cookies. then, ashley and crystal picked me up from work. we got high at ashley's house, they took me home, and i proceeded to binge yet again. half a loaf of homemade bread, half of a big bag of raisinets, half of a taco salad from bandidos, a peanut butter sandwich, and a bowl of cereal. and then, once again, after eating the rest of the bread and the rest of the raisinets.
     i'm such a fuck up. the thing is though, i tell myself not to eat. and i can keep myself from eating, for a long time. but then i'll rationalize it, thinking, "oh, if i just throw it up right after, it's okay." but it's not okay. and i need to make myself understand that, because i don't want to keep up with this binge/purge cycle day after day. i mean seriously, binging and purging at work? sadly enough, i can't even say that was my first time doing it. if i get fired, i'd have no reason to complain. i work at a cookie shop, and at nights i'm there by myself. but i find it more important to purge than to do my job, so i leave the counter unattended to run to the bathroom for at least five minutes. i seem so desperate right now, and i hate it. =(
     i seriously doubt i'm going to class tomorrow. it's just art, so it's not too big of a deal. i hope i can stay on track. i hope i can force myself to exercise way more than i have been. and i hope you all are doing better than i am. stay strong, ladies.

<33Kara

what you need is someone strong to guide you...

2007-09-17T20:03:01Z

Age: 18
H: 5'9
HW: 238
CW: 194
LW: 175
STGW: 175
LTGW: 140

yeah. i hate owning up to those stats. i can't believe i've let myself gain back nearly twenty pounds in the last two months. i was doing so well, too. *sigh* but i suppose i can't do anything about those two months. i can only change what happens in the future, and that's exactly what i plan on doing.

today has been a rather lazy day, but i'm allowing it because i never get a chance to just do nothing. i got to sleep in, then wake up and lay in bed reading a book. the only thing i have to worry about today is my 6:30 psychology class, which i love, then hanging out with a couple friends afterwards. all i've had to eat today is a cup of yogurt and half an apple. it would have been a whole apple, but i bit into it again and the bite i took was completely rotten. so, i spit it out, and needless to say didn't finish the rest, haha. i'm not sure what i'm going to eat for the rest of the day, so i may make another post later tonight.

and i leave you with a bit of my lackluster writing skills. just something i wrote in my journal that i thought was semi-decent. stay strong, ladies. <3

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and changing a soul. You learn that love doesn't mean learning and company doesn't mean security. You begin to learn that kisses don't mean contracts. You begin to accept your defects with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is still uncertain and futures have a way of falling mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. You learn that you really can endure, that you are strong, that you really do have worth. And you learn and learn...with every goodbye you learn.

<33Kara

2pounds2much @ 2007-09-16T22:15:00

2007-09-17T02:32:22Z

i hate the fact that i'm so horrible about keeping this journal. i mean, i want to write in it. it's just that i never think i have anything good to write about, and i'm pretty sure no one reads it. but, i really am going to keep this thing on a regular basis. it's much easier for me than keeping a written journal, and during the times i've used it it's helped me. so, here we go.

for the past couple months, i've been making an attempt at getting "better". whatever that is. in any case, while i thought i was ready to be better about my eating habits and whatnot, i was not prepared for the unavoidable side effect that is gaining weight. upwards of ten pounds, and i'm not very happy about it. and so, i've begun purging again. and i've been trying to restrict again. i know i shouldn't, and i know it's not healthy. but i'm not going to lie, i'm starting to feel much better than i have in months. i feel like i actually have some element of control of my body again, and it feels good. everything else in my life right now is very hectic. i am going to school full time and working full time. making this situation even more difficult is the fact that i don't have a car, so my rides to and from work/school are never certain. making time for my friends and stuff is hard, but i'm managing, haha. i still party a lot, but not nearly as much as i used to. but it's still fun for me, so i figure i might as well get it out of my system while i'm young=)

i'm in kind of a situation right now. it's not necessarily unfortunate, but things could turn out that way if they aren't handled correctly, which would be really sad. friday night, i was at a party with a bunch of my friends, and we got drunk. more like druuuuunk. me and two other girls finished a bottle of Cuervo by ourselves, and then i had four beers. by the end of the night, i ended up hooking up with my friend joey. like...completely hooking up, in every sense of the term. and now, i'm not sure how to go about things. i'd hate to think we ruined our friendship by doing that, because as bad as it sounds, it really was nothing more than a drunken hook up to me. but it's him i'm worried about. he's really sensitive when it comes to girls, and meaningless one night flings aren't really what he's all about. i'm nervous that he's going to take it as more than it really was. also.... he's younger than me. before that night, i'd never even kissed someone who was younger than me, so it's definitely just weird. JASKBDSDVVFBEWILCVSUIVGRRR!! hanging out with mostly only guys definitely has a downside. i don't have any girl friends i can really talk to this about, so that makes it more difficult. sorry about that, i just had to rant a bit.

and lastly, i'm adding a picture, because it's been forever since i've posted one, and because it's a rare occasion where i actually like a picture of myself.

i'm the girl to the left, to the left. =) except for i don't have a monroe anymore. i had to take it out for work. shitty!

bye, loves. && sorry about the long post. they won't all be like this, i promise:-P

<33Kara

2pounds2much @ 2007-05-30T08:17:00

2007-05-30T12:27:20Z

i had a weird, but also strangely nice night last night. i couldn't sleep, so i was out on the front porch, reading a book and smoking a cigarette. it was like 3:30 am, and while i'm sitting there, my mom comes running on to the porch. apparently, she had been at our neighbor's house talking, and didn't realize how late/early it was. she thought it was still around midnight, haha. anyways, she sat out there with me and talked to me for like 45 minutes. i talked to my mom about the boy, and what happened last weekend. and.... i talked to my mom about my sex life. i have never, i repeat never, talked to my mom about sex. i figured it would be awkward or uncomfortable, but really it wasn't. i love my mommy, haha.

so then later on this morning, it got bad. i was STILL bored at about quarter til six, so i thought i would make breakfast for my family, and my best friend, because she stayed the night last night. i made pancakes, biscuits and gravy, bacon, fried potatoes, and scrambled eggs. while i was cooking it, i didn't really have any desire to eat it (see, i'm kinda weird like that. i love cooking, but not neccessarily eating what i cook. i love letting other people eat it, and then having them tell me whether or not it's good. but that's nothing new with me. i've always cooked primarily for the enjoyment of other people, even before my ED. oddly enough, i'm going to culinary school, haha. we'll see how that works out ). I took my mom to work this morning so i could use the car during the day, and the whole time i'm gone, i have absolutely no desire to eat anything i had made. but when i got home, i just completely lost it. i ate everything. literally, some of all of it.

jesus, it was so much food. i ate it all, then drank two cups of water before i had to take my sister to school. because of course, i fully planned on purging when i got home. which i did, and got everything up, thankfully. i thought of something funny while i was actually doing it though (again, kind of weird, haha). when i dropped my sister off, i saw two of my friends that still go (i'm one of few who graduated early, all the other seniors still have three days). i looked like complete ass, but one of them was like, "seriously kara, if i could look that cute right after i woke up, i would just roll out of bed and go straight to school!" and what i thought of was, those girls had absolutely no idea that i was going straight home to throw my guts up. sorry for being gross with that, but it's true. i just found it kind of funny that while they were talking to me, all i could think about was getting home to get the food out of my stomach. maybe it's not so much funny as it is sad.

ugh, sorry for the long post. stay strong, ladies:-D

<33Kara

2pounds2much @ 2007-05-30T00:46:00

2007-05-30T04:52:26Z

     so, unfortunately these past couple days have been less than great.

     to start with, i went to a party on saturday night. i went with my two best friends, and the guy i'm kind of seeing showed up later that night too, so for a while everything was fine. we were all drinking && smoking, and just pretty much having a good time. the boy and i were flirting like normal.... and all was well. so then later i went outside with one of my friends to have a cigarette, and there are two other girls outside from another apartment. they were 15 and 17, so a few years younger than us, but they still seemed cool. they ended up following us back in to the apartment that we were partying in (uninvited, i might add), and we actually all started having a pretty good time. then ppl started passing out, my two best friends included, so the only ppl still up were me, the boy, the two girls from the other apt, and some boy they were with. we were all kind of just chilling....then the boy (keep in mind, he's 20) and the 15 year old girl go outside by themselves together. i figured they were just going to talk or something, but i went outside to talk to the boy, and found them making out. i guess i don't have much to be mad about...we weren't officially together or anything, it just hurt being one-upped by a 15 year old girl yet again. i understand it once. but twice in a row? i'm beginning to think something is wrong with me....

     so of course, i ate my feelings. i haven't been too bad, considering my track record. i have gone back up to 188.5, though, which kind of pisses me off. oh well. i'm back on track, and i'm sticking to it. i just wish i knew what was going on with "us". i still want us to be able to be friends, because i love hanging out with him. we've pretty much just been friends with benefits, anyway. *sigh* i'm so confused. and i hate boys right now. hope you're all doing better than me. stay strong, beautiful girls =)

2pounds2much @ 2007-05-25T00:35:00

2007-05-25T04:33:20Z

sooo...i realize i just posted, but i can't sleep now. i haven't posted pics in a while...so i figured i would. i dunno...really i'm just wondering if any of you can tell if i've lost weight in my face? i kinda think i have, but i'm wondering if it's just me. so....input would be greatly appreciated, haha.

The beginning of april...
http://i156.photobucket.com/albums/t15/karabear_0726/karaatrubytuesday.jpg

Aaand last saturday...
http://i156.photobucket.com/albums/t15/karabear_0726/jimjapalshti.jpg

yes? no? any kind of feedback would be wonderful, haha. i just wanna know whether or not it's just me:-/

<33Kara

((x-posted))

2pounds2much @ 2007-05-24T22:12:00

2007-05-25T02:14:40Z

today, i ate:

10 grapes- 34 cals
8 mini rice cakes- 60 cals
1 cup broccoli w/ 10 sprays ICBINB Spray- 38 cals
1 1/2 cups broccoli w/ 15 sprays ICBINB Spray- 57 cals
------
189 cals

i may possibly have a cup of fat free hot chocolate later (25 cals), i'm not sureee. I suppose it wouldn't really affect me that much. I also played frisbee for about a half hour, then volleyball for another half hour, and then jogged for twenty minutes. So overall, a decent day. I could have worked out more though. I intend on doing 150 crunches and 100 leg lifts on each side before bed though. I'll try to update tomorrow. Stay strong, lovelies:-D

<3Kara

maybe?

2007-04-04T17:16:17Z

so i'm wondering...does anyone here want to maybe be "texting buddies" with me? haha i know that sounds totally gay, but i really think it could help keep me on track. and i finally got unlimited texting on my phone (to anywhere in north america)....so if anyone is interested, let me know:-D stay strong, girls.

<33
Kara

2pounds2much @ 2007-03-09T09:21:00

2007-03-09T14:21:05Z

so i'm sitting here eating low-fat cottage cheese and pineapple, and it's making me happy, because i'm thinking about how i totally avoided binging at about 4:00 this morning. as pathetic as it sounds...thankGod for _realthin, haha.

<33
Kara

2pounds2much @ 2007-03-06T22:32:00

2007-03-07T03:31:11Z

so i've been eating terribly, and it's all because of a boy. hopefully, though, i'll be able to stop. today i pretty much realized that i'm sabotaging all my hard work, and if i keep up this way, in the end i'm just going to end up far more depressed than i ever was in the first place. so tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully i'll be able to stick with my plan.
i'm an early grad, and my last day EVER of high school was last friday. super super exciting. but also, since we have three months until the actual ceremony, my friend lauren and i decided to use those next three months to lose as much weight as we both can. she's already tiiiny, but i understand where she's coming from, not feeling like she's small enough. so, we've decided that we're going to go jogging together for an hour on tuesdays and thursdays, and work out at the gym together for an hour on mondays, wednesdays and fridays. i'm also going to be doing the biggest loser workout dvd every evening, plus crunches && leg lifts every night before bed. i've also started going tanning again (finally), && i'm getting my hair straightened on friday....so hopefully, i'll look somewhat better by the time graduation rolls around, haha. sorry if this post is pointless/boring...i'm just excited:-D stay strong, ladies.

<33Kara

who i am hates who i've been...

2007-02-26T22:33:36Z

     so the tyra banks show isn't something i watch on a regular basis, but today i was watching it with my sister. i really do admire tyra banks so much, mostly for not letting her beauty be the only thing that she's famous for. obviously, being a model that's kind of what helped her get where she is, but you can tell that there's a lot more to her than just that.
     anyways, i was watching the show today, and i couldn't help but cry. i don't know if anyone else watched it, but it was about the whole bathing suit picture thing that i'm sure everyone has at least heard something about. she's so adamant about helping women just be comfortable and happy with who they are, and that's what the entire show was about. every woman in the audience had on a one-piece strapless bathing suit, with their weight printed across the chest. every woman. and they weren't all thin, either. there were women in that audience that were well above 200 pounds. but what really got me was that they weren't ashamed of it. they were proud of themselves and who they were, and they weren't afraid to let everyone know it. can you even begin to imagine the amount of courage it would take any girl to go on national tv like that?
     and this is partially the reason why i cried. i cried because i was so happy that these woman, who so obviously weren't perfect, didn't feel the need to be, and were comfortable exactly how they are. and i also cried because i know i'm never, ever going to feel like that. i know that what i'm doing to myself right now, i say it's an attempt to make me like myself better. but i know i'm just kidding myself. and even while i know i'm doing this, i know i won't be happy when i reach that number, i know it's not going to make me feel better about myself...i still let myself believe-at least partially-that when i get there, i'll finally be comfortable just being me.

<33
Kara

pfft

2007-02-26T01:30:49Z

i hate that i'm letting a boy make me binge. but for some reason, i also don't feel too extremely bad about binging. but that's probably just for right now, because it's currently making me feel better and allowing me to forget about my stupid problems for the time being tomorrow i know i'll regret it it. *sigh* does this happen to anyone else, or am i just the stupidest girl alive?

<33
Kara

2pounds2much @ 2007-02-17T13:11:00

2007-02-17T18:13:52Z

i'm probably the most confusing girl ever:-/ i hung out with Brandon again last night...apparently he decided that he didn't want to get back with his ex. i don't know how good of an idea that was, but i couldn't help it. i like him a lot. it was a lot of fun, but i was kind of self conscious the entire time because i binged majorly last night. i ate a bunch of junk food (taco bell, pretzels, gummy bears....kill me), and i didn't even attempt to purge or anything, so there was that. had i known he was going to call me and ask me to do something, things would have been different. but i guess that'll just help me realize that i should just not binge altogether. i always regret it, but i never realized i could regret it even more than i normally do:-S GOD i hope this shit works out...i want him so bad, haha. i don't even know what he sees in me. i don't really know if he sees anything, i guess. i'll just have to wait and see...sorry this is so gay, but it's my journal and i can say what i want :-P

<33
Kara

2pounds2much @ 2007-02-16T14:12:00

2007-02-16T19:14:23Z

so i went to the doctor today, and i have strep throat. i'm thinking i got it from kissing brandon last weekend. he was just getting over something. i don't know if that's what he had, though, so i don't really know. a lot of people at school have had it too. i fucking hate being sick. but, i didn't have to go to school today, so i suppose that's a plus.

<33
Kara

being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up...

2007-02-16T01:31:42Z

     sooo i'm not too sure about this whole getting older/growing up/gaining responsibility thing. it's something i thought couldn't come fast enough...and now that it's here, all i want is to be small again. to have my biggest worry be what outfits to put on my barbie dolls:-/
      graduation, car payments, jobs, credit card payments, college...it just gets overwhelming. i just want one day where i would have to worry about all of it. i guess being older isn't all bad...it's just all coming on so fast, haha.
     right now, my biggest concern is whether or not Ball State University is going to accept me or not. I got my SAT scores back today, and combined they equaled 1870.

Critical Reading-660
Math-510 (hahaha...i'm so bad at math)
Writing-700 (9 out of 12)

i'm not sure if those are good or not, though, which is why i'm even more worried now than i was before. those scores were the only thing that the admissions office still needed, and now that they have them, it's just making me more anxious! grrr i just want to know, haha. as of today, i've eaten:

Chocolate slimfast mixed w/ skim milk- 190 cals
1 1/2 cups Honey Comb cereal- 120 cals
1 starburst- i'm going to guess somewhere around 40 cals?
1 cup healthy life peach yogurt- 80 cals
1 1/2 cups Wyler's light lemonade- 7.5 cals

so that equals up to about 437.5 calories. i'm debating on whether or not to have a cup of fat-free hot chocolate or not...it would add 25 calories, but it'll still be under 500. gahhh...even though i know it's barely anything, 500 seems like such a big number. also....sadly enough, i did end up binging last night. I ate three banana crumb muffins, two ham sandwichs, and about half a package of Lay's cheddar stax chips (the ones like pringles?). But anyway...i had eaten all of that, plus two cups of water, and then purged, all in under ten minutes. i was kind of pissed at myself, but glad i could get it all back up. hopefully tonight will be better...my mom's making italian food, so it's definitely not gonna be easy. but i think i can do it. sorry this entry is so long, haha.

<33
Kara